MICHAEL JEFFREY LEE / TWO CONUNDRUMS
1
I was standing in the driveway. It was twilight, and the air was extremely smoky.
Darah was there, which was a surprise. She was acting a bit strange, it seemed to me.
Actually, there was something about the whole situation that seemed off. Then I realized it: my car was gone.
What happened? I said.
Don’t know, she said. I’m really sorry.
It’s okay, I said. I wonder how I’ll get to practice, though.
It’s up to you, she said.
By the way, I said, you wouldn’t happen to have a cough drop, would you? I don’t know how I’m going to sing with this sore throat.
Yes, here’s one, she said.
She dug into her coat pocket. I opened my mouth like a baby bird. She tossed the lozenge in the air and I caught it.
You joker, I said, spitting it out. It was a filthy penny, not a cough drop. I coughed a few times.
When I looked up, she wasn’t in the driveway anymore. I stayed on guard, expecting another trick.
After awhile I spied her naked bum sticking out from behind one of the huge trees on the side yard. I had to laugh.
Very nice, I said.
Hehe, she said, wagging it. Just try to resist.
Let me get a condom, I said. Hold that thought.
As soon as I was back inside, Prince jumped up from his dog bed and ran over.
He sent me a psychic message: Play with me. Pet me and love me.
Not now, Prince, I said. I’ve got a lot going on.
While shooing him away I noticed he had a squirrel in his mouth—it was still alive and looked incredibly scared. He was keeping it between his teeth, toying with it.
Drop it, Prince! I said.
He let go of the squirrel and it fell on the floor with a plop. Then it scampered away into the kitchen.
In my room I rifled through various drawers. I found myself distracted by a brochure advertising beautiful hikes in pure, primeval forests.
I heard a muffled cough and was remembered that my roommate was home. I left my room and went down the hall to his.
Hey, it’s me, I said, knocking. I’m coming in for a second.
I entered the dim, sad-smelling room. He was in bed with the covers pulled up to his chin.
I almost relapsed again today, he said.
That’s too bad, I said.
I arranged for a delivery, but at the last minute I called it off. I’m staying here until the danger passes.
You wouldn’t happen to have a condom, would you? I said. I’m in a bit of a pinch.
Try the shoebox over there, he said.
Thanks, I said.
Opening the box, I was greeted by a gnarly smell.
Gross, I said. There’s nothing but old banana peels…
They work in a pinch, he said, laughing darkly. Help yourself.
You’re a really uninspiring person, I said. If this place wasn’t so affordable, I’d look for another house.
I was expecting a reply, but he seemed to have fallen asleep. He was breathing deeply and even lightly snoring.
Outside, the air was still smoky and my car was still gone.
From the corner of my eye, I saw a red-blue glow way down the hill. It got bright and brighter until I could see that it was a police car. It was headed up the road right toward me, but at the last minute it turned into my neighbor’s driveway.
I called my brother, who liked juicy information.
What is it? he said.
A police car just pulled up to the neighbor’s house, I said. Lights but no siren.
Probably foul play reported, he said.
They’re being let into the house now, I said.
Just wait, he said. The ambulance will be there soon, then they’ll take the body away.
You wouldn’t be able to give me a ride to practice tonight, would you? I said. My car seems to be missing.
I heard some muffled voices, then the sound of the phone being wrestled over.
Hello? It was my brother’s wife.
Hello, I said.
You need to stop doing this, she said. You need to stop asking for favors all the time.
I was talking to my brother, I said.
Your brother is dealing with the raccoon right now, she said. He’s putting out poison for it.
Is that so? I said. I heard a loud thunking behind me.
Prince was standing on his hind legs in the living room window, thunking his nose against the glass.
I’ve got to go, I said.
Prince had gone to the bathroom everywhere, both kinds.
Bad dog! I said. Very bad!
His eyes filled with shame and he sent me another message: No one let me out. I couldn’t help it.
I’m so sorry, I said. As you can see, I’ve had a lot going on.
I cleaned up the mess, then put his leash on him.
We went out to the driveway, just in time to see the police car on its way back down the street. It was leaving the same way it arrived, lights but no siren.
Maybe a false alarm, I said.
Prince started barking, and in the road I saw two figures walk by in the opposite direction. They were dressed in long trench coats and fedoras, and even wore sunglasses. They took a long look at me and Prince, then hurried on their way.
I had the strangest feeling that I knew them. I shushed Prince and we followed them.
Every time we gained on them, one of them would look back, say something to the other, and then they both would quicken their pace.
Hey, stop! I finally said. My lungs were burning from the smoke.
They slowed to a halt, and Prince and I caught up with them.
Mom and Dad? I said. Is that you under there?
It’s us, they admitted, taking off their hats and sunglasses.
What are you doing up here? I said.
We left a basket on your porch a few days ago, said my Dad.
A care package, said my Mom. We came by tonight to see if it was still there.
Hmm, that’s nice, I said. But I didn’t see a basket. Are you sure you didn’t just come up here to spy?
You asked for space and we respect that, said my Dad.
But we also want to do nice things for you from time to time, said my Mom.
There is something you could help me with, I said. I need to get to practice tonight, but my car is gone.
The car we gave you? said my Dad. He looked to my Mom.
The green Toyota? said my Mom. She became tearful.
It wasn’t in the driveway, I said. I don’t know where it is.
Both of my parents turned away from me. They started walking down the road, sobbing loudly.
I might be out of options tonight, I said to Prince.
Play with me, he said. Pet me and love me.
2
I woke up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night. Someone was in my bed with their arms wrapped around me.
Mind telling me what you’re doing? I said.
I just love you so much.
Oh, it’s you, I said, recognizing my brother’s voice.
I came in through the window, he said. You were fast asleep.
That’s fine. But why hold me so tight? Yowch! My back is killing me.
I just love you so much, he said. Whatever you’ve done.
That’s nice. But give me a little room to breathe.
Did you listen to the songs I sent you? he said.
Songs? I said. I don’t think so.
It’s really important that you listen to them, he said. They can heal you.
Not sure where my phone is at the moment, I said. Can you let me go please?
He released me. I heard him get up and scrabble out the window. Prince came to the side of the bed and started licking my leg.
Too much water, he said. Emergency.
When I opened the patio door, something big jumped up from my smoking chair and bounded off into the trees.
Might’ve been a mountain lion, I said. Don’t go far.
Prince lowered his hind quarters and started peeing on the concrete. It spread out in a circle beneath him and got his paws wet.
Sorry, couldn’t help it, he said.
My phone was on the table next to my smoking accessories. On the lock screen was a message from a random number.
Now is not the time for hesitation, it said. New experiences await the intrepid explorer…
These things are nothing but brain damage, I said. You’re lucky they don’t make them for dogs.
I always wanted one, he said. They look so fun.
Just then I heard a rustling in the forest, some branches snapping.
Who’s there? I called. I picked up a stick and threw it toward the sound.
Ouch, that nicked my ear, a voice said.
Hey, who’s there? I said.
A faithful friend, said the voice.
Sharla, is that you? I said.
It’s me, she said.
Why are you prowling around my house?
You haven’t been answering my texts.
I didn’t know where my phone was, I said.
It’s been days, she said. Longer.
I guess I’m just trying to focus on myself right now, I said.
Why don’t you let me help you? she said.
Just then I heard the blood-curdling scream of a mountain lion nearby.
Hey Sharla, be careful! I said. That things sounds close.
The mountain lion screamed again, and then everything got really quiet.
I want to go inside, Prince said. I’m afraid of being eaten.
Let’s go, I said. Sharla’s tough—she can take care of herself.
Back inside, I sat down at the kitchen table in the dark. I heard the ticking of the analog clock on the wall. There was something I was trying to remember, but it wasn’t coming up.
Are you tired? I said to Prince. I should be, but I’m not.
I only wanted to urinate, he said. I didn’t want to stay outside so long.
I heard three loud knocks at the front door, on the other side of the house.
Wonder who that could be, I said.
Always look through the peephole, said Prince. I hope it’s not a kidnapper.
Using the peephole, I saw someone standing in the dark, holding a large cardboard box.
Just a minute, I called.
I knocked on my roommate’s door. Hey, are you expecting a package? I said.
I didn’t hear anything on the other side.
Come on, I said. I know you’re not sleeping in there.
Nothing.
Weird, I said. I went back to the front door.
What’s with the late delivery? I said. It’s the middle of the night.
It’s time-sensitive, the voice said on the other side. Highly perishable.
What is it?
A sweet cake to lift a sagging spirit, they said.
How about you just leave it on the porch? I said.
We need a signature, they said.
Don’t open it, said Prince. If they take you, I’ll be all alone.
I looked through the peephole again. No one was there anymore.
Damn, I said. They’re gone.
Let’s go back to sleep, said Prince.
I think I really wanted some cake, I said.
But it would have only upset your stomach, he said.
Next thing I knew I was back in my bed. I could hear Prince snoring in his dog bed on the floor.
I realized that I had forgotten to turn the light off, so I got up and turned it off.
Then I heard myself start to snore, so I knew that I’d fallen asleep too.
Michael Jeffrey Lee is the author of Something in My Eye (Sarabande) and My Worst Ideas (Spurl Editions).