TETMAN CALLIS / GET TO KNOW YOUR NEIGHBORS
Do you know your neighbors? How well? Do you know their names?
GET TO KNOW YOUR NEIGHBORS.
If you see someone in the building you don’t recognize, and who gives you that suspicious feeling, DON’T IGNORE THAT FEELING. DO NOT HESITATE TO CALL THE POLICE. That’s what they’re for. You can bring them doughnuts later at the station house. It’s not a stereotype that police like doughnuts. Everyone likes doughnuts. Give doughnuts to your neighbors. They will appreciate your thoughtful generosity, and it will help you GET TO KNOW YOUR NEIGHBORS.
If there is a stranger in your apartment when you arrive, DO NOT GO IN. Do not say hello. Do not scream or cry out or swear or make threats. Get away quickly and call the police. The police will want to know. You can bring them small take-out food items later at the station house. Tamales of various sorts are known favorites.
PACKAGES—Especially now, around the holidays, and with the war, packages are tempting to thieves, even with the lobby doors shut tight and locked. There are ways in. You can’t be too safe. Thieves are everywhere, looking for opportunities, day and night, lurking, prowling about, walking down the sidewalk, casually glancing, sitting in the car that wasn’t there last week but now keeps showing up, again and again, just down the street. If you still work in an office, have your packages delivered there, or have them delivered to any convenient post office, if any still exist in your neighborhood. If you GET TO KNOW YOUR NEIGHBORS, ask one if they can accept your packages for you. You can bring your neighbor a small cake or bottle of wine for their trouble. They will almost always accept.
DO NOT ALLOW STRANGERS TO ENTER YOUR BUILDING. We shouldn’t have to tell you this. DO NOT buzz anyone you are not expecting into your building. This includes anyone who claims to be a delivery person. It doesn’t matter what uniform they wear. Anyone can buy a uniform, or rent one, or steal one. And it doesn’t matter what they say. People will lie about anything.
If your neighbors have food deliveries coming, think of how helpful you may be in making sure such deliveries arrive safely if you GET TO KNOW YOUR NEIGHBORS. A neighbor may even be willing to share some of their freshly delivered fruits or vegetables, or meats or dairy items with you if you have been friendly and helpful.
DO NOT hold open the door for people who say they are visiting someone else in your building. YOU ARE NOT THE DOORMAN. Let the person they claim they are visiting buzz them in. It will only take a moment. Visitors will understand your desire to keep everyone safe. If they do not, and make some complaint, you may wonder what kind of people it is your neighbor associates with, and YOU MAY NOT WANT TO GET TO KNOW THAT NEIGHBOR.
NEVER, NOT EVER, AT NO TIME, ON NO ACCOUNT, are you to let someone in because they say they are some technician or utility repairman who has come by to look at something or fix something or check something or run a few tests or they have an appointment. It doesn’t matter what uniform they may be wearing. We have already been over the matter of uniforms. People who are pretending to be repairmen may be carrying a toolbox, or they may be wearing a belt laden with tools, or they may be carrying a ladder or a bucket OR ANYTHING AT ALL, but THAT DOESN’T MEAN A THING. Anyone can buy a few tools as part of their disguise and in no time at all can weasel their way INTO YOUR BUILDING or even INTO YOUR APARTMENT and once they are there, the damage is already done. You will find yourself utterly defenseless, liable to be robbed or killed or even worse. You might think in such a situation to cry out for help from your neighbors, but your neighbors will not come because YOU DID NOT GET TO KNOW YOUR NEIGHBORS. They will not know you from a stranger on the street, or worse yet, they will think that you yourself are one of the perpetrators and are setting a trap.
PROTECT YOURSELF. PROTECT YOUR BUILDING. PROTECT YOUR HOME. Nobody else is going to do this for you. Even if you think you can trust your spouse or your child or even your roommate, ALWAYS DOUBLE-CHECK and make sure they are not letting you and themselves down. You don’t need to make a big production about it, but discreetly you can check. DO IT. DON’T PUT IT OFF TO SOME OTHER TIME. THERE IS NO OTHER TIME.
It’s been a long day. You are tired. Life is hard, full of distraction and disappointment. But DON’T BE REMISS. DO NOT PROP DOORS OPEN EVEN FOR A MINUTE. A MINUTE IS ALL IT TAKES. Before you know it, there will be some malefactor right behind you, one hand grabbing for your purse or wallet or bag or phone or keys, the other hand punching or stabbing you, or pressing the cold hard muzzle of a gun against you, your life theirs to take in an instant. Or they will slip right past you and you won’t even see them, and there they will be, somewhere inside your building, a threat to you and to ALL OF YOUR NEIGHBORS, whom you will never know because they will be killed by the intruder YOU CARELESSLY LET IN. Their deaths will be YOUR FAULT. You may even find yourself held liable in civil or criminal court.
ALWAYS HAVE YOUR KEYS WITH YOU. Make sure you always lock your apartment door behind you, even if you’re only stepping out for a moment to check your mailbox or take out your trash or go to the laundry room. And think about what might be waiting for you in the laundry room if you or one of your neighbors has been careless. PROTECT YOURSELF. Always carry your keys in your hand in such a way that you can use them as a weapon. If you follow the guidance given here, and GET TO KNOW YOUR NEIGHBORS, you should recognize everyone you might meet, in the laundry room, the lobby, and the stairwells. You should even find yourself able to greet them pleasantly by name. They will enjoy this, and think more highly of you.
DO NOT hide keys outside or in easily accessible common areas. You’re not fooling anyone. Keys in such locations are among the first things intruders go in search of. If you GET TO KNOW YOUR NEIGHBORS, you may set up an arrangement to swap keys with them so that if either of you were accidentally locked out of your home, the other could help. Such an embarrassing and annoying event could be turned to the good with an invitation for coffee, tea, or more bracing beverage. Almost everyone will enjoy the opportunity to take a break for a few minutes and relax together in a spirit of friendship and community.
When you are not at home, KEEP YOUR WINDOWS SHUT AND LOCKED. People are watching, paying attention, peering closely, charting your comings and goings. Some will jot down notes, make plans, and have nothing but bad intent. SOME OF THEM MAY EVEN BE YOUR NEIGHBORS. You never invited them to drop by for coffee or tea, or beer, wine, or cocktails. You never offered them any of the tamales or doughnuts you so freely showered upon the police. You never gifted them with cakes, pastries, crisp apples or fresh berries in cream. You never gave a friendly smile, a wave, nod of the head, understanding glance, the time of day, observations on the fine weather or the bitter cold. You never asked about their health, their jobs, families, pets, hobbies, or favorite shows. It was clear you didn’t care, you thought you could get by with no one else’s help, and now look at the mess you’re in. YOU NEVER GOT TO KNOW YOUR NEIGHBORS. And now it is too late. You don’t even know if they would have preferred frosted or filled.
Tetman Callis is a writer and artist who lives in Chicago. His stories have been published in a variety of literary magazines, including a previous appearance in Always Crashing. He is the author of the memoir High Street: Lawyers, Guns & Money in a Stoner’s New Mexico (Outpost 19, 2012), and the children’s book Franny & Toby (Silky Oak Press, 2015). He can be found online at https://tetmancallis.substack.com/.